A very tired American marine elbowed his way into a crowded train in the London tube. As the passengers disembarked he finally was able to go toward an empty seat, but a snooty, well dressed older woman took her French poodle off her lap and put it on the empty seat. The marine sighed heavily and with a polite Southern drawl said, “M’am, would you mind keeping your puppy in your lap? I had a long day and really need to sit down.” The woman turned her nose up in the air and spoke haughtily. “My Fifi can sit where she pleases. You can stand. You are not part of OUR armed services!” The marine replied, “Since we are here to teach YOUR armed services, which I have been doing all day long, I will be teaching your and your little dog some manners.” The marine then pushed the dog off the seat and sat down, ignoring the woman’s protestations.
She then screeched, “Bite him Fifi!” The little dog latched on to the marine’s finger and he yelled, swinging his arm around so the unfortunate pup went flying out the window.
“Help me, help me!” the distraught woman squealed. “This horrible man has killed my dog! Is there anyone here to defend my honor?”
Finally a middle aged gentleman in a fine suit spoke up. “You Americans. You bastardize the Queen’s English, you use the wrong fork and you drive on the wrong side of the road. Now you have done it—you have thrown the wrong bitch out the window!"
---------------------''---- Joke 2 --------------
WHY I FIRE MY SECRETARY.
Today is John’s birthday.
Early in the morning, he gets up early and prepares himself for breakfast. Seeing his wife and children, he is expecting some great wishes before his journey to his office. However, none of them said anything. It happens that they continue with their breakfast, while his wife brings him another ordinary plate of Western breakfast. He is disappointed.
He travels to his office. Thinking it would be good enough to have his co-workers’ wishes. Much to his disappointment, they say nothing, neither is there greetings nor wishes. He continues to his room.
Much to his surprise, his secretary greets him happily and wishes him a bless birthday. John is shocked, and extremely happy.
John is grateful that his secretary remembers his birthday, she has even prepared John a cup of John’s favorite Latte.
After work, John’s secretary invites John to a pub. They drink a bit and have happy small talks. John’s secretary asks if John would like to continue drinking at her place. John blushes and consents.
At John’s secretary place, John’s heartbeat rate increases. John is excited.
John’s secretary offers John a cup of tea and tells John she’s going to have a shower and prepare herself, John blushes.
After some time, John’s secretary’s bedroom door opens…
From the room, John’s wife, children, co-workers and secretary exit with a huge cake on their hands, loudly and happily singing “Happy Birthday”.
WHILE, John was naked on the sofa. 😉
--------------------- Joke 3 ----------------
There once was a vicar of Salisbury
Whose morals were quite halisbury-scalisbury.
He’d wander around Hampshire
Without any pampshire,
Till the bishop convinced him to walisbury.
Hint: The city of Salisbury is also known as Sarum; the county of Hampshire is often abbreviated “Hants.”; and “pants” refers to underwear in the UK. You figure out the rest. . . Other limericks just work best in an English setting, viz:
From the depths of the crypts of St. Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles.
Said the vicar: “Good gracious!
Has Father Ignatius
Forgotten the bishop has piles?”
----------------Joke 4 -----------------
Obviously, you can hurt people’s feelings with nationality jokes. Exercise caution and know your audience (unlike me).
When you tell a Frenchman a joke, he laughs.
When you tell a German a joke, he laughs twice: once when he hears it, and once when he understands it.
When you tell an Englishman a joke, he laughs three times: once when he hears it, once when he understands it, and once when he tries to repeat it to his mates.
But when you tell a Jew a joke, he interrupts you halfway through to tell you his improved version.
-------------- Joke 5 ---------------
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.
The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK, now what?"
----------------- Bonus Joke ---------------
The following joke was, I believe, voted ‘The Nation’s Favourite Joke’ by somebody or other in the early 2000s.
Holmes and Watson go out to the country on a camping trip. As dusk falls they light a campfire and sit around drinking and sharing stories. Eventually they retire for the night.
Later, Holmes wakes his faithful companion.
“Watson,” he says, “look up, and tell me what you deduce.”
“Well Holmes,” says Watson, “I can see tens of tens of thousands of stars. There’s a very good chance that amongst them some are very much like our sun. If that is so then there is a very good chance that around one of those sun-like stars orbits a planet not unlike our own Earth, and if that is so, then surely one of those planets must have life also. Therefore Holmes, I deduce that it is statistically quite unlikely that we are alone in this universe.”
“Yes that’s all well and good Watson,” sighed Sherlock, “but I was rather more thinking that someone has nicked our tent.” what! 😂
